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November 6, 2009

When a Wife is Too Special For Sex – Although it’s usually men who complain about not getting enough attention in bed, sometimes it’s a woman who has the complaint.

When he says something like, “I’ve got a headache,” and she accuses him of “giving at the office.” Love Doctors like me recognize trouble. It’s a taboo topic for conversation and most people question when I say that there are men who adore their wives, who they think are beautiful and desirable and purposely avoid making love to them.

Somewhere, somehow, some of these husbands have learned to separate love from sex. For these unfortunate souls, loving a woman can become a sexual turnoff.

These men may even be able to admit to their folly but recognize that somewhere they have absorbed the idea that there are two kinds of women in the world: bad-girls with whom its okay to have sex and good-girls who it is only okay to love.

In this latter good-girl category, he groups his mom, his sister, his platonic girl friends and his wife. In his heart of hearts, sex for him feels like a dirty business whose vulgarity has little to do with real loving relationships.

A man who suffers from this good-girl/bad-girl syndrome is in some ways is the kindest of husbands. He holds his wife on a pedestal. He worships her, really. He knows she’s special and recognizes how desirable she is. She is almost too good to touch.

So, what happens to the wife of a guy like this? She may have been young and inexperienced when they met. Often he chose to marry her because she was a virgin of sorts, or because he at least perceives her as virtuous above most.

Imagine what continual rejection does to her self-esteem over time.

The wife comes to believe that she is not attractive enough to please him. She is usually wrong.

It wasn’t exactly a reality TV show, but psychologist Nathaniel Brandon, who was Ayn Rand’s lover, once set a new husband straight in front of a large group of people, which included the man’s wife.

nathaniel brandon

“Do you consider your wife to be a good woman?” he asked the husband.

“Definitely,” the man answered.

Dr. Brandon  then challenged the man to stand before the assembled audience, to face his wife and to notice how it felt to say “My wife is a good woman and I can’t stand the idea that she finds me sexually desirable.”

He was instructed to repeat his words louder and louder. Shy at first, his words took on conviction and he ended by saying to the doctor, “What I’m saying is insane!”

The adored and neglected wife came to understand that her husband’s behavior, or lack of it, might have to do with his incredible affection for her. Since she adored him as well, her patience held up. Together they participated in learning to integrate love and sex into their relationship.

The doctor reported getting a letter some time later from the husband: “Thank you for allowing me to find the sexiest good woman in the world.”

I assumed he meant his wife!

Hope you’re having fun. Please tell me what you think.


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