“I hate my husband…. Now what should I do?”




“Lori, once a college cheer leader, now a housewife, married for 22 years, wailed when she spoke about her “unfulfilling” marriage to “Tim” the once-captain of their college’s basketball team.


 “We were destined for a ‘charmed’ life. At least that’s what I thought. That’s what he promised me.

From her wallet, she pulls out a picture of them taken when they first got together. She looks nothing like that picture today. I’d guess she’d gained about forty pounds since then.



Do you have a more current photo? I ask.

“Nooo. Tim’s a bit soft-bellied… ‘poochy’, these days. He doesn’t like the way he looks either”

Either? Are you not happy with the way you look?

“You kidding? ” She patted her bottom.

Does he get on your case?

“Not exactly.

“He would never call me “FAT”. But in front of everyone he’ll pinch my cheeks and call me ‘FLUFFY’. He thinks that’s funny.



 Is Lori looking to escape out of her marriage or… as I suspect… is she looking for a marriage re-boot?

I am not a divorce attorney, after all, and she has sought my counsel. That is a big, optimistic, positive clue.


 What does she mean when she says she “hates” him?

 Is she willing take any responsibility?

 Is her husband open to some counseling?

 What about their marriage is working?

 What are their other challenges?

The presenting problem has to do with weight… hers and his. This can be an extremely sensitive matter. I will tread with caution.

There is some reason to be optimistic about the prognosis for this marriage, though. For example, Lori lightened up when she admitted how she lied about her weight to the treadmill at the gym… which she had just joined.


She told me Tim had surprised her by joining the gym too. She liked that.

What else could Tim do to make you not “hate” him, I asked.

She hesitated… and then said, “His “fluffy” comments have got to go, for sure… I do loved that he joined the gym… He made no wise cracks about it, by the way.”

If he is concerned about Lori, Tim must learn to keep his focus on concern for health, feelings and life-style issues.


No need to induce further shame since she is more likely to be her own worse critic.






 My first joint meeting with Tim and Lori was revealing. They finished each other’s sentences, talked about the kids they both loved and laughed about some home project they were busy working on together.

The gym membership never came up.

These people did not “hate” each other.

When I asked Tim why he wanted this marriage to succeed, he told me and Lori how much he loved her. He expressed concern for her high blood pressure and said he frightened that he would be left alone.

He said she made him laugh. Lately, he said, he was afraid she lost her sense of humor. He just did not want anything bad to happen to her.

Laurie listened to Tim and there were tears in her eyes. “Please don’t call me fluffy,” she said.


Excess weight can be more than a matter of self-control and motivation. There are genetic factors, medications and conditions which can impact one’s weight.

Professional help may be helpful to assist in charting a path toward better health.

If someone you love is weight-challenged, as difficult as it may be,

do not judge or offer suggestions about diet an exercise.

Just love them and give them the space they need to get the help … when they are ready.

Thanks For Visiting,

Email Dr. Linda

{ 0 comments… add one now }

Leave a Comment