“I don’t know why my husband lies to me… its usually about small stupid things that can’t possibly matter. He’s a good man, I think, with this bad habit,” said “‘Deb.”

Have you ever tried asking him why he does that… why whatever it is he is lying about is so important to him? Why it is so important to him for you not to have the right answer to your question.”

“Of course I have… he says he doesn’t know.”

Okay, then, consider these possible… “benign” reasons:


  • He doesn’t want you to lose respect for him. The lie may be an attempt to look great through your eyes.
  • Unwittingly, he may be channeling Pinocchio, whose nose grew with each lie. His habit creates the need to escalate his lies. If he comes clean this time, he thinks you’d think he’s never to be believed.
  • What he says to you doesn’t feel like a lie to him. He simply doesn’t really remember or care that much about the issue at hand.
  • Perhaps, he thinks, that this is a way of making his story more believable. Or that it may magically make his un-truth a reality. Consider that the news, these days, is full of “alternative facts” stories. Some liars want things to be a certain way so badly that stick to their “alternative story” no matter what.



Don’t hate me for this… but… sure you can.

Everyone lies about some things…. even you.  If you are real, you may agree; it’s a matter of degree.
I had a client, once, who lied to her Stair Master exercise machine about her weight.








Is he or she lying to get away with bad behavior, like stealing, cheating or hurting someone? (These reasons are not tolerable)

Is his or her lying truly an addiction? Does he/she get pleasure or a feeling of power from lies? (If so, treatment is imperative as it is with most addictions)

If his lying is evidence of even further pathology; he or she might not even think they are doing anything wrong. At best it’s difficult to counsel a person out of a personality disorder, but professional help may make some positive difference.







 When you confront your partner, in any event, please don’t label him or her a “LIAR”.  Looking at real facts and hard evidence of the lie can be super-embarrassing, to all but the sickest “alternate facts” people.

(In most cases an otherwise healthy person will be so embarrassed at being found out that he or she will stop lying.)

“Deb,” for one, loves her husband for what she says are “a million different reasons.” Perhaps she could open up communication with him to create a new and healthier path. He sounds like a man worth a chance to explain his story.

Deb, I say, be sure that your confrontations are only between the two of you. The only other welcome party is this dialogue should be a professional counselor.

When you are accusing someone, be prepared with hard evidence. (Save it for only when or if the accused becomes defensive.)

The happily-ever- after ending would find he or she motivated to have things be different from this point on. (As much as you’d like to, you or he cannot change the past.)






Please  remember that his commitments are ultimately his own challenge… as are yours. Even with the best intentions, we all can slip up, on the road to new and healthier habits.







Trust me… I’m a doctor…  who believes in love and redemption and telling the truth as much as it is possible.


Thanks For Visiting,

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