Suppose you are a married man who feels like you are misunderstood and under-appreciated. You say that all your wife does is complain about what you do wrong. She pushes you away when you approach her to make love. She makes excuses to do her own thing. She acts like she doesn’t much like you.
“It never used to be like this,” you say. “Really, I don’t want to lose her or what we once had… but this just isn’t working.”
What’s a loving but frustrated husband to do?- Listen up! If your spouse is still complaining about the changes she wants, this is a good sign. (In really dead relationships, the fighting and complaining stops.)
- Decide you love her and want to keep your family together badly enough to put your anger aside… for now. Do put your frustrations in writing… for your eyes only… to help you stay in control.
- Think of “listening” to her as an “active” process. (Don’t groan before you’ve tried this.) Even if you believe that what she is saying is unfair and unjustified, resist defending yourself. Concentrate on what you are hearing.
- Remind yourself that now you are the one who calling for change.
- For the moment, ask questions about what she is telling you. Then check with her to make sure you’ve understood her message. (If you’re pretty accurate, it’s a good sign.)
- Take time to think about what she has said and make a specific date to continue the conversation.
- Cool off!
- Then come back at the designated time with your retort. If you are serious about improving your marriage, start by counting the ways she’s been important to you.:
- Tell her why you value her in your life today.
- Comment on all the things you admire about her. Do you like how she looks? How she keeps your home and takes care of your kids? Is she a good social planner? Is she athletic? Do you appreciate her sense of humor, the way she handles your family, takes care of her health and yours?
- Make sure she knows that you pay attention to her efforts in all areas.
- Now, respond to her grievances. Let her know that you do want to please her and that there are things she could do to make it easier for you to comply with at least some of what she is asking. (That’s assuming, of course that you mean it!)
- Think about your own grievances. Study the paper where you wrote about your own frustrations. What do you need from her? Be specific and kind and choose your words carefully. “I need you to take better care of yourself and to stay healthy is always better than “You are too damn fat” or “Why don’t you look like your girlfriends?” And calling her “frigid,” will not get you more sex. (If she loves you and is committed to the relationship, there’s room for the kind of a trade, which does not seem like a business deal.
Dr. Linda’s Gentle Reminder:
Dear Loving Husband,
You know that when you feel sexual toward your woman, you are most likely to love, cherish, care for and admire her.
Well. Guess what?
When a woman feels cherished, cared for, loved and admired, she’s likely to feel sexual.
Funny how it works that way! Shift into “over-drive,” in ways that she needs and you are much more likely to get your own met in the process.
Email Dr. Linda
- Listen up! If your spouse is still complaining about the changes she wants, this is a good sign. (In really dead relationships, the fighting and complaining stops.)
- Decide you love her and want to keep your family together badly enough to put your anger aside… for now. Do put your frustrations in writing… for your eyes only… to help you stay in control.
- Think of “listening” to her as an “active” process. (Don’t groan before you’ve tried this.) Even if you believe that what she is saying is unfair and unjustified, resist defending yourself. Concentrate on what you are hearing.
- Remind yourself that now you are the one who calling for change.
- For the moment, ask questions about what she is telling you. Then check with her to make sure you’ve understood her message. (If you’re pretty accurate, it’s a good sign.)
- Take time to think about what she has said and make a specific date to continue the conversation.
- Cool off!
- Then come back at the designated time with your retort. If you are serious about improving your marriage, start by counting the ways she’s been important to you.:
- Tell her why you value her in your life today.
- Comment on all the things you admire about her. Do you like how she looks? How she keeps your home and takes care of your kids? Is she a good social planner? Is she athletic? Do you appreciate her sense of humor, the way she handles your family, takes care of her health and yours?
- Make sure she knows that you pay attention to her efforts in all areas.
- Now, respond to her grievances. Let her know that you do want to please her and that there are things she could do to make it easier for you to comply with at least some of what she is asking. (That’s assuming, of course that you mean it!)
- Think about your own grievances. Study the paper where you wrote about your own frustrations. What do you need from her? Be specific and kind and choose your words carefully. “I need you to take better care of yourself and to stay healthy is always better than “You are too damn fat” or “Why don’t you look like your girlfriends?” And calling her “frigid,” will not get you more sex. (If she loves you and is committed to the relationship, there’s room for the kind of a trade, which does not seem like a business deal.
Dr. Linda’s Gentle Reminder:
Dear Loving Husband,
You know that when you feel sexual toward your woman, you are most likely to love, cherish, care for and admire her.
Well. Guess what?
When a woman feels cherished, cared for, loved and admired, she’s likely to feel sexual.
Funny how it works that way! Shift into “over-drive,” in ways that she needs and you are much more likely to get your own met in the process.
Email Dr. Linda
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