“Tall, dark and handsome? 

Nice but not necessary. I’m fifty and single for the first time in twenty five years.”

What is it you are looking for, I asked “Jennifer,” who owned up to searching for a new and perfect mate.

 “He’s going to hate football, love the beach, detest camping, and … oh… he’ll love the home thermostat to be at 70 degrees. 

Then she went on to tell me about how she used to be much more romantic.

I directed her to the work of philosopher and writer ALAIN DE BOTTON. He’s also seems cynical when he talks and writes about love. (Men are drawn to this guy but I thought “Jennifer” might learn a thing or two.)

WHY YOU WILL MARRY THE WRONG PERSON” was the single most read piece in 2016 in the New York Times.

We are all imperfect. He suggests that if you are having problems in your relationship, that you look inward first, before you check out.

Guess what? If you love someone, you are almost certain to be disappointed by him or her, he says.

For sure, your lover or your friend is not perfect. He’s human. She’s flawed… just like you.”

 The only people who may seem to be perfect are those we have just met. We don’t know them well enough to “get” their inevitable warts.

He suggests that it would save a lot of trouble, if on a first date, you simply asked,  “How are YOU crazy?”
followed up with a personal explanation of your own unique nuttiness.

Pessimist- sounding, anti-romantic DE BOTTON insists there is no connection between sunsets… or star-studded fantasy and the institution of marriage.


  Kids, money concerns and long hours at work are “passion-killers,” he says.

It’s Valentine’s month… and it might be worth thinking about some of his ideas:

  • Don’t throw away you lover quite so fast; throw out the notion of romantic love instead. (I imagine he’s not referring to abusive, dangerous partners who best be discarded.)
  • If you can, grow where you are planted.
  • Get over that idea that there is a special someone, somewhere who will meet all your needs.
  • Understand that committing to another is, at best, deciding which particular variety of suffering you are willing to work with.
  • Never mind opposite attracting. Most often, we choose partners because they seem familiar to us… someone who treats us as we were treated as children.
  • Understand how we identify those feelings… even the negative ones… as “love.”
  • Recognize that everyone will disappoint you.
  • Remember that to compromise is noble.
  • Accept that for love to survive, it takes work.
  • Come to terms that no matter how much someone loves you, they will never be able to read your mind.

ALAIN DE BOTTON has a great Swiss accent and a wicked sense of humor. He offers up lots interesting things to think about. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-iUHlVazKk)

What I liked best was when he states that people learn through sweetness. Don’t you also turn off in the face of anger?

When the inevitable pull of lust tones done a bit, your very human, flawed partner in concert with your own flaws, present the real challenge for a successful relationship.

I’m the  LOVE DOCTOR and I know about these things.

 I wish you the best VALENTINE’S DAY!




Thanks For Visiting,

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