I’m having post-Valentine’s thoughts. Last week I wrote about my visit to a famous “OC” mall where I conducted a love survey.
I remain amazed about what some people will tell an absolute stranger in a mall! One man, who was sort of hanging around and listening to what I was doing, could hardly wait his turn. He said his name was Alex and that he was more confused about the concept of “love” than ever before in his life. Married for 16 years, he described his marriage as “sweet and companionable.”
He went on to explain how he has “developed these incredibly powerful and lusty feelings for a co-worker,” which he says he has “not yet acted out.” He then assured me that the girl was willing and that he could take action any time he wanted.
“Isn’t this love?” he asked.
Alex, I said, taking him aside (I was apparently more worried than he was about his privacy.) “In-lust” is the first stage of a new relationship. ”In- Lust” is a stage which has the potential of developing into love. And yes, it’s possible to fall in – lust even when you truly love someone else.
But “lust” is not love, Alex. And it’s much easier to come by than love. Some people have the experience of new lust every day! It’s usually a good idea not to act on those impulses.
Your friend at work deserves her own man who can build toward “love” with her. That’s the kind of love that you apparently already have with your wife.
Your wife deserves for you to recognize the difference and to honor your commitment. You deserve the same.
As narcotizing as they are, “in-lust” relationships inevitably shift to more comfortable levels. That’s a good thing. Really. If that weren’t the case, no one would have taken the time to invent electricity, or build houses or do do much of anything else.
Does that mean giving up sex? Hardly. It just means that you can be in a room together and accomplish other things besides coupling.
On the other hand, if only that first stage will do for you, (Hugh Hefner says it can last up to six months) you must be prepared to spend lots of time and money changing partners.
I advised Alex to think about what he could do to rev up the lust factor within his marriage, before he will have to face the same dilemma in his next relationship.
Sorry, my friends. That’s what people do.
Email Dr. Linda
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